Home is where you make it.

Alright, so I know I just posted something but I'm all hyped up on caffeine and I need to get something off of my chest.

A little while ago, I used to see this shrink. His name was Jim. Over the few sessions we had together, that man showed me more about myself than I have discovered with many people I've known all my life. Of course, his distinct advantage would have to be his degree in psychology, but I digress. One of the biggest things I learned about myself was how I compensated for things I didn't have.

Being the youngest of four had its perks. I learned most throughout my early development by observing the behaviors of my older siblings. How they talked, what they did, how they acted... nothing went unabsorbed. I learned to speak in full sentences and read when I was about one and a half, which I never really considered a feat until I was told so in my later adolescent years. I just always liked words and the power they had. You could either make or ruin someone's day via a kind or demeaning remark. I loved it. It didn't matter how big or mean you were, the influence of words never dulled.

So here's the other side of that coin. Growing up, my father openly favored me. Since the day I was born, I was treated different somehow. Now put yourself in my sibling's shoes. How would that make you feel? Everything's smiles and daisies when suddenly Mom's having another baby and boom, nothing's ever the same. Even if it was simple curiosity, this extra attention ended working against my favor. Slowly and irreparably, a rift began between myself and my siblings-- a rift that only got worst as time went by. A rift that, I'm sorry to report, is an entire chasm today.

Now let me paint the picture of who I was. In simple psychology, you'll always want something you can't have or don't get. Growing up, the approval of my family and their attention was all that mattered. Did I ever get it? Not in the slightest, but that didn't mean I was lacking my own means of occupying myself. At a very young age I learned that books were a fantastic escape to worlds I've never been to, as well as a great way to be and meet people I have never met. I didn't even have to leave my room! It didn't matter that I was the odd man out, books couldn't reject you. They only grabbed your hand and took you through an adventure without the risks of actually having one.

Fast-forward into my adult life. I spent my teen years developing deep friendships and eventually found myself in a sort of surrogate family. I was accepted and loved by people, sometimes just as rejected and damaged as I was. But nothing else mattered so long as we had each other. I'm blessed to have them in my life and I thank God for them each and every day. They were there for me when I stormed out of my father's house to live on my own for the first time. They were there for me when I got tossed out of that house too. If anything, I got good at being rejected. Made it into an art almost. Maybe that's why I started the Collegiate Gaming Society... to surround myself with people who approve and look up to me even. That's a win win right?

I don't know. All I know is the feeling I get when I watch new friendships develop between the students. The feeling that maybe I am here to be a part of something bigger than myself. Sometimes its overwhelming, being surrounded by people that expect me to always know what I'm doing. Its sometimes overwhelming when I have to behave as if I have all the answers when I don't. I don't consider it being artificial or insincere... its just what comes with the territory of being a leader.

I never got to be the big brother. I never got to be someone that brought something to the table, be it good advice or life experience. Maybe this is my shot to make a new home for others? Figuratively speaking. So regardless of how I compensated (past or present tense) for any affection I so desperately yearned for, my first hurdle is to find and create something in me that I'm satisfied with. I've always read that the greatest changes that can influence your life and other are the improvements you make in yourself. A lot of people don't get to make those changes because it involves admitting their shortcomings. But I believe we're here to reach our potential and pass along any wisdom we happen to come by along the way. Probably the closest to immortality we'll ever come. Anyway, objective #1: reconnect with a better sense of myself. In order to do this, I have to pay the prices and make the sacrifices necessary to improve this shell that is my physical form into something that better suits me. This is my first goal.

Wish me luck,

-antonio