New Beginnings

I've been everywhere on the emotional spectrum in the past 24 hours, and my weekend hasn't even started yet. If I don't get these thoughts out, I'm going to lose it. I'm not that concerned with who is reading this at the moment, but before you continue you need to understand one thing: I am human. Human's bleed red, we are allowed to make mistakes. What matters is how we move on from those mistakes and how we stick to our decisions. Let's rewind the clock to to earlier this week.

There are a lot of things in my life I am unsatisfied with. I have the greatest friends, have a great job with a great firm, and have never been more involved between school and the nonprofit. Even as I'm writing this, I'm in the middle of helping with one of our fundraisers. But even with all of these blessings I can't for the life of me figure out why I'm still struggling to be happy. After breaking up with Lyndsey, several things have become apparent. One, nothing has improved yet. I have this pit in my stomach that I can only identify as regret and uncertainty, but generally I can't quite place it. My chest aches with that feeling you get right before you know you're about to get in really big trouble. The anxiety is just about at my threshold and I have nothing to look forward to. Yet despite all this emotional turmoil, despite the fact that I've done this to myself, I still cannot refute the simple truth that what happened was the right thing to do.

A really good friend of mine once gave me a piece of advice his grandfather had passed down to him a long time ago: No matter what is happening, in the end, it is still your life. Sometimes you have to be selfish.

But this time was different. I lost more than just a companion, I lost much more. I just hope they can forgive me. I never meant to hurt her, but staying would have only worsened the damage. All I can do now is hope it was worth it. I need to get back to the basics. Its time to work on me. Then and only then will I be able to come back to this place and know I'm ready for it. Then and only then can I come back to this place and know I deserve it. This is something I have to do for myself.

But it doesn't mean I have to do it by myself. From here on out, I will be devoting my foreseeable future to the rediscovering of what is important to me. The interests of this blog aren't to safe face, or for redemption, or for attention. Frankly, I don't give a damn what you think. I've already spent too much of my life pining for the approval of others. This is my life, this is my blog, and this is about me. I want to reconnect with the passion I used to have for living and writing, and the only person who can get it back is me.

So strap in because you're the audience. Especially you. Stick around, place your bets, then watch me take a leap of faith, or crash and burn in glorious flames. Either way, I hope someone discovers something about themselves. I don't exactly have a proven track record.

To new beginnings,

-antonio